Run with me on this one just for a minute…drop all your preconceived notions about killing human beings for sport and just run with me…
Headlines: “NARCO GANGS TERRORIZE US MEXICO BORDER”, “PIRATES KIDNAP FOUR AMERICANS”.
EDIT: The day after this post the pirates killed all four hostages before US Special Forces could board the ship. Unfortunately we did not kill any of the kidnappers, we took them prisoner. Assassin Tourists would not follow those Rules Of Engagement.
I hate those guys, don’t you? I mean I have a deep abiding hate for the murderous gangs of narcotic traffickers and the Somali pirates. Truly they are piss-ants and not worth the ammo it would take to kill them…or are they?
What if a guy, let’s say Ross Perot (and Ross, I’m only picking on you because you can afford it and you have the balls to do it – nothing personal) put together a little army of say a couple hundred drones armed with Hellfire missles, .50 cal machine guns, thermite nades, and all the standard drone goodies the armies of the world use daily? Let’s say he put that Drone Army on an old battleship converted for the purpose of being a drone aircraft carrier – and complete with control rooms for driving the drones., and a nice 24 hour buffet, Or in Mexico’s case we would need Strykers…not much else, just strykers. Ok, maybe an Abrams Tanks per stryker squad for backup…you get the picture.
This battleship is really for sale
So now we have a private citizen with his own personal army – this ain’t Ross’ first rodeo in that arena, what’s he “gonna” (nod to all you momma grizzlies) do with all that armament? Well that ain’t napalm blowing in the wind – it’s PIRATE/NARCO ASSASSIN TOURISM!!! Yes, with three exclamation marks!!!
So let’s say you are up for a vacation at work – You could take a Cruise ship for $5000, or for about the same money you could fly drones into Pirate encampments, harbors and safe havens and kill anyone carrying an AK-47. Or if a land based vacation is more your style, how about doing a little bivouacking on the US/Mexico border with forays into the Narco gang’s territory in a Stryker? I’ve only fought with Strykers in games and simulations, but I think it would be a riot to take up a position about a half mile away from a known gang hideout and rain .50 caliber machine gun fire down upon their little heads.
Am I the only one that thinks that would be ultra cool? Anyone? Oh, you. Don’t play that holier than thou crap with me sister, these people are killing harmless civilians and building their own personal armies which will eventually rival the Armies of their governments. This is WAR and they opened the ball. There are no excuses for not participating – You love your country don’t you?
STRYKER! A little something for everybody
There are complications those of you that might go for this sort of thing say, “They might start taking hostages”. Oh yeah, I counted on that because you are right, that is the very first thing they would do, in fact they already do it. That’s the point, they prey on innocents. Now, the United States has a policy that we don’t negotiate with terrorists (which pirates and narco gangs certainly are) but we do love killing them – shooting them, nading them, shooting missles at them, dropping precision bombs on them. Precision bombs is a bit of a misnomer…did you ever hear of an F117 taking out someone’s spleen? No, just the spleen – and nothing else. Uh uh, so you’re gonna have collateral damage meaning some civilians are going to die. They way we can tell when the tide of war is coming our way is when fewer civilians are dying because of our actions. And at least we won’t be leaving their decapitated heads in Taverns Y Cantinas. That costs extra. As long as we kill mostly terrorists and the civilian casualty rate goes down between the two forces we are winning, savvy?
So now they have taken so many hostages that the camps, coves and hideouts are overrun with them – you can’t just hose them down with HE rounds anymore, it takes true precision…you need a sniper. In fact, those Strykers and Abrams tanks secondary role is to protect the snipers.
I personally know a lot of hunters. A LOT! Most of them are true patriots and instead of Elk Hunting in Colorado ($8500.00 minimum for out of state), going trout fishing in Canada for $5000 – $8000, or even going out to their own home made tree stand on their own property with their favorite rifle and long range ammo $10 – $10000 (depending on how much beer you buy while you build your tree stand, scout the trails, sight your rifles and practice those tricky long shots) they would all jump at the chance to actually pay hard earned cash to help protect their country! It’s genius I tells ya, and it brings the country together like nothing else ever could – all ethnic groups love their country, all religious groups have a history of violence with very few exceptions – a nod to you Quakers and Mennonites out there! I’m with ya brothers, Peace out, but they all love their country. This is about protecting the borders and having a little murderous fun in the process – how bad can that be? I betcha even Mrs. Palin would come bag a couple of Pirates – I hear she’s hell on wheels with a .50 cal!
You were right Daddy, this is a helluva lot more fun than Six Flags!
Now boys, there is some bad news…there will be no black powder or bow season. You just have to get to close with a bow so as to endanger yourselves and can’t reload fast enough with a black powder rifle and the TANTAMOUNT RULE #1 is not to get your customers killed. We want you back next year. Oh, and that brings me to my next point.
This business model is self defeating – properly managed and run I believe within three to four years there will be almost no pirates left – not enough to shoot at anyway – and the Mexican Cartels will take their ill gotten gain elsewhere and abandon their operations….”gettin out while the gettin is good” will be the motto of the day, but for the proven Mercenary Tourist with a clean track record and good kill ratio, there will always be an invitation to a private war somewhere for next year’s vacation.
Before I get back to the hunter/snipers I have to apologize to Ted Nugent about the black powder/bow statement…”Most people aren’t bad asses to your degree, Ted. I know you could could rig an arrow – probably a crossbow bolt – to target and destroy the spleen of a terrorist with minimal surrounding damage, but most people just aren’t that good…we will let you head up the Special Sniper Damage/Destroy units and you can hand pick your teams.
In Texas there are around 17 million people (or so) and pretty close to 50 million firearms. Those guys just live RIGHT THERE! Right where the action is! This is a short drive for them so they can stay longer. And if you ask any Texan he’ll tell you that the swishiest gay person in Texas is twice the bad ass of anyone in New York and can shoot the wings off a gnat at 200 yards with a pellet gun. Well, Texans do like to brag, everyone knows that.
Abrams Tank: Even scarier than a double barrel shotgun
In an Unscientific Survey survey conducted under the auspices of truth, much like Fox News would do, I have polled thousands of people in the border states as to the favor-ability of such a plan and here are the results: TEXAS: 92% of all adults 15 and over wanted to know where to apply for the permit, while 8% wanted to be clear that there would be beer available. (it’s hot down there) (well, and Texans like their beer), NEW MEXICO: 83% would consider the Pirate Killing Cruise, but 7% said “Since Mexican weed sucks so bad now anyway, what the hell – I just don’t want to kill no cuz, esse. ARIZONA: Everyone polled, that is 99.99172 of the population would pay up to half their discretionary income to be a part of such an endeavor. In fact, the only Arizona born person who said “no” was a young girl who had been kidnapped at one point and had Stockholm Syndrome. I called and got her some therapy – she’ll be ok and plans to be among the first tourist mercs. California was possibly the most diverse and interesting poll. 64% would definitely want in on the action, 12% would do it just to “Keep out the bad Weed, man”, 5 percent would do it if they could have some daylight hours to hunt for mushrooms, and 19% said they would do it if they were sure it would be completely confidential. I of course assured them it would – I think they were mostly Democrats or vegetarians…not sure. (poll margin of error +- 16%, about the same as USA TODAY).
Myself, I would want the Pirate Cruise. Let me man a turret mounted, water cooled .50 cal, give me a couple of heat seekers for closer range, and a VSS Vintore (Russian sniper rifle) and a couple pistols and one AK…I’m set. Even if we get scuttled I’ll kill most of them easily.
Russian Special Forces Sniper Rifle - full auto mode too!
You see an escalating arms race now don’t you? NO. With enough harassment those folks will go back to their historical lives of arms dealing, gun running and narco trafficking – oh wait, do I smell another Mercenary Cruise Theater? Mmm, smells like fun – and money!
Ross Perot, Ted Nugent and Richard Branson walk into a bar…sounds like a joke but we added Branson because he is experienced at logistics, is a visionary and absolutely hates frikkin terrorists! I’m already in the bar having a lovely iced tea with orange and lemon – unsweet and mildy shaken. We sit in a corner booth and discuss our plans and one by one the patrons of this upscale libation dispensary who have been eavesdropping the whole time stop by the table and drop off a check – they’re in!
The upshot of it is that Ross and Richard get to do good for the world, make money and alleviate boring vacations, Ted gets to do what he does best which is shoot things while listening to “Great White Buffalo” with his his hunting buddies and I quietly sit by knowing that I will help to leave a lasting legacy of world peace, commerce and hope for the future.
